Unbecoming.

So I have been seduced by your sights. Your amazing colours, scents, the arid vast lands that lock no sand, hold no roots. So I have been turned into someone else, a wiser, more accepting woman. Negligently, for a second, I mistook your beauty, making belief that I could hold it, have it. So I believed for a prolonged period of time that I could uproot myself and live in your abundant kingdom. Arrived how I left, in awe. Churned out body and soul to see the parts I have waited years to see.

I hold no regrets, openly claim my infidelity. I left the spring streets to roam deserts, towns destroyed, newly created, to see seas that grow and disappear. I shared sights with men and women who aver those lands, who bow continually, who make nothing of blind sighted fanatics dragging their heels. But my residency was only temporary. I missed the trees gloriously parading their petals of white and pink. I missed the bloom which they show only to a few. I ran away, hoped to find peace, hoped to find trees that were beautiful the same. Now, upon my return, like the prodigal son I beg for forgiveness. Beg to be let back in.

Here is my heart, swinging back and forth, swaying sideways, hoping to brush against yours. I learn where home is through great cost, through breaking fully to mend partially. I leave to return. I return to want to leave again. I say nothing of the battles fought, how peace never settles. But you suspect, maybe even know. Share the burden and allow my inexperienced heart to befriend grave injustices and bold untruths. Slowly the unbecoming descends, a bad fit, an uncomfortable disposition.

Then I learn. Build walls from pieces I have gathered. Respect sits highly on a wired fence and I have seen it. I slowly learn the how, capture each moment, forgive each misplaced step, one by one. I am yet the same, still somehow different. I have let go, but hope keeps me captive. Forces me to visit far away lands and cheers, mocks from the sidelines while I am childishly mesmerized by all I see. By men of devotion passing, by women in wigs of errors, by differences that only ridicule the sameness. I am much the same as I was a week ago. I am nothing to who I used to be last week. My eyes have seen hatred and peace. My eyes have seen divine building blocks. My eyes have seen trees as old as the good news.

Still, I beg for forgiveness. Silently, just like last time, I beg for your forgiveness. I left wanting to return, I have returned wanting to leave. All I know is your grace. All I know to do is beg for your forgiveness. I have been seduced, I have been unfaithful, I have been forever converted, my heart turned, my mind opened. I have foolishly given up rain washed lands for deserts of rocks, beige camouflaged battle grounds, sparkling reminders of faiths warring. I hoped to find you, but you wished not to be found. I have seen and now long to be allowed to come back down.