The Shrouded Secrecy of Others

I am broken to little pieces but you see a whole.
I never knew how to do but did none the less.
I cover my body with lies to show a truthful soul.
I hate the way I look but spend hours trying to make you like me.
I seldom believe I can make it through the day but hold diplomas to say I am the best.
I don’t trust anyone around me but pretend to confide in strangers.
I pray without faith.

I am empty inside but I teach how to enrich the soul.
I am a recluse always surrounded by people.
I lied that I enjoyed your company.
I was happy to see that you were not doing better than me.
I broke your heart out of boredom.
I say I’m happy but I’ve never really been.

I am unsure if I ever wanted the life I have.
I gave up on the truth already.
I am reckless only when people are watching.
I still try to justify my decisions.
I am weak to change but dictate my terms to others.
I don’t believe in compromise but force it upon those I supposedly love.

I cheated on everything that mattered.
I can’t change but preach of a white washed soul.
I favour violence but I’m afraid in the dark.
I said you glow like the sun, I lied.
I know it was my fault but spend years arguing it never was.
I blame others to escape from the burden of responsibility.
I never said anything I meant; only what you wanted to hear.

I am glad I can’t have children but pretend to be crushed when others are present.
I fear the future but say I don’t.
I always knew I could never succeed but was too proud to quit.
I admit defeat only when it’s too late.
I pushed you away in the hope that you would come back.
I still want someone to show me how life’s done.
Saving you was an accident.

I don’t love you.
I know that you know.

You can make it better by blowing in my ear.
Can you blow until I disappear?

Kiss Each Other Clean

With your timid fingers lock the secrets that lie in each breath we took until today. I can only give a frail glance, turn around for one last time. That moment saw us weep with honest disbelief. Never would I want to change that moment for any other. You held me, for such a long time, you had me.

Then the gruesome fight took its hefty spear and pierced the grip between you and me. Loosened from your side I found myself alone. Brave and loyal, I fought so that all we believed in would regain its sense. My limbs went numb, my lips were silent, but I saw in the distance, far ahead, the shadow that turned out to be the prophet of the dead. Not out of need but want, I marched on.

That grave injustice which you did not deserve. That immense pain which ripped through your heart. Then that soothing sound calmed the frightful days. Whispers laid before you like fresh flowers from a dewy spring meadow. Just lightly touched by the sun’s tender rays. The gloomy sky held one patch of clear blue, enough to fit one person. How will you let me in? Wounded from the fight, fearful of the days to come, fumbling after the winter dark. I miss your hands, they were true to me.

I fear I will never be loved as well as I was loved by you. The constant carer. You loved not with a vivid love, not with colours or shouts. Not with dreadful heights or abysmal lows. Not with gold or silver, not with night or day. Our inexperienced love tried to hide each day. Sometimes I found it only by the afternoon, some other times it was there all along, in broad daylight for all to see. We both gave, we both lost, we both will always have. Still I fear that I may never be loved as well as I was loved by you.

I grew older, now I know pains I could not imagine before. I have to learn to seek the truth again. I know which way is back. My bag is bigger, lighter. I carry with me the days when nothing happened, still you were there. I carry nights that were unkind. I carry places that made my heart bigger. Strangers who appeared true. I carry instances that moved me. Tearful mornings when great loss was upon me. Years when I was silent and you talked endlessly. I carry pain that forever took a part of me. I carry many faces who have been good to me. Sounds that are heavenly and can never be hindered by any earthly woe.

Mostly I carry love that is on loan to me.