Some Will Walk Alone

Today I persuade myself that there’s worth in each thought that ferociously begs to be let out. It’s hard to believe and would be easier to walk away, give heed to the slumbering, the quiet call of the calm moonlight. I lose hearing the thumps, accept that the silence within must mean silence out here. Time is not enough, thoughts must lay in the dark never surfacing, never causing anyone discomfort. With endless care these thoughts can no longer live a solitary life. With endless care they rise to sing harmonies that bend the most unforgiving of hearts. The hardest hearts will open to beautiful dream, repeating the once familiar. Thoughts circle around the same streets, thoughts come up to the shore to wash their dust ridden bodies clean. Laughing as they do so, I keep a watchful eye so that no-one takes them hostage. 

Leaving a prison, being liberated by crisp, clean air, hurrying down spiral stairs. How time holds me in its firm grip, how slowly winter waltzes in. In the silence I think of you. Every snowdrop bears the burden that your leaving caused, sheds a light on how time has decided to chain me to the past. There have almost been a dozen winters without you and there have only been a few with you. Still, I never love anything more than seeing my city covered in snow. Then I whimper in the darkest night, nobody hears, you the least “please give my broken parts back”. But you won’t let go, keep each piece, demand a ludicrous ransom I cannot give you. I do not have that kind of time, those kinds of treasures.

It is hard to find words when the words have left me. It is hard to lure them back to where they have been treated so miserably. You are no help. Words wrap themselves around you, but the less I write about you the easier it is to live. I have upset my words and in return they will not obey me. Dance! I say and yet they will not dance. Move! I say and alas they will stand still. How can I heal my soul if these words won’t help? Words lock together to make thoughts and find power in numbers. Who can resist a thought? Who could not erase a word? How many times have you forgotten you once meant that you loved? How often do you throw forgive to the beasts keeping it a deadly secret that you did not mean it? Only the words never forget, or forgive. Misuse them and they will refuse to cooperate. Deny them and they will stand locked to barbed wire. Impossible to tame them after such long time left out in the wild. Oh how I would need them, how easy it would be to start writing about my broken heart, about you. They trick me, rush forward when they can cause pain, remain hidden when they should heal. Never do they anger me, I love them just the same.

There is still hope. Nobody has taken hope from me. I hope that you will forget me. I hope that I will forget to write about you. I hope that the next time it snows where you are you will think of me. I hope that some words will forgive me and we will make sweet love to the page that awaits. I hope that one day the realness of each passing day won’t scare me. I hope your sweet memory will never leave. I hope that if I had to fade I would return again.

I hope I will.

I hope I will love again.