Whispered in a Song

The days that make me question are too numerous. Too numerous and too cruel, impeding every moment that poses otherwise. Then the constant spinning makes me doubt even the most sturdy, sane and straight forward thing in my life. Each victory shoots me down the path of confidence. Each disappointment sinks me into regret. Regret gnaws away at my soul and I am unable to banish it. Such a firm grip it has on all things that are present, reaching back in time, exchanging places, people, mixing and matching that which was, with which is. Suddenly I am unable to distinguish between where I should be and where I am. Faintly, I see where I should be, is not where I am.

Then I turn to you. My sole guide in this hazy journey that I have been forced to take. Forced or asked to. My place is not where I think it should be. My place is right where it is. How you pull at my soul, how tight you pull the ropes in opposite directions. It is with excruciating pain that I start each day and it is with no better sentiment that I end it. And in between the start and the end, without fail, I shift left to right and right to left, trying to see where I should be. On a good day I see my perfect place. On an even better day, I see where I am going. On a bad day I only see where I want to be but can never get to. Like a child I beg for your help. Lost, exhausted, frightened, I look for you to show me that indeed I am right where I should be.

The peace you see on the outside reflects little on the inside. There are moments that shine, and I shine along with them. There are people who make sense and my life makes sense with them. There are days that outlive all other days and with them I create a legacy. But every day I spend in battle. You see little evidence of the fight, there are no bruises, there are no casualties, there is no blood, there are no children and women running for cover with tears streaming down their faces. Just because I have no tears does not mean I don’t cry. I cry for the person I never became. For the things I never achieved. For the mistakes I am about to make. For the people I didn’t fight for. For the love I never let go.

On glorious sunny days, just a whisper sets me straight. In my heart I know that I am right where I should be. But the heart is not confident, it is the frailest part of us all. The night descends with questions that the morning tries to erase but fails with each attempt. I have come to accept that what I know now, I will doubt once I wake. I am alone at night and I wait for the qualms with the sun, with no one by my side. Then I remind my heart that we must gear for battle. That being here can make me grow. That from here I know where to go. I might seem lost to you, I seem lost to me at times, but I am hardened by the journey, wiser by the time past, more accepting of the fate that should befall. I know I am right where I should be. Do you?