Fallen to the ground

Sometimes my heart bleeds from an open wound. The ghastly sight, this bundle of muscle unable to heal itself. Monstrous and amazing, most are in awe, unbelieving. Rarely does it show, seldom do I notice, but in instances when the unforgiving moon shines its silver light onto my barren chest, I see the scars, the scabs, the painful reminders of fights I never chose to fight. They were not my fights, they were not my fights. My heart was young. When you broke it, when you slashed it open, when you burned it, my heart was too young to heal properly. Now I carry these reminders, awful memories, painful lessons that I have learnt all too young. Mostly I cover it, mostly it is at peace now, mostly just a scarred heart on the outside, intact on the inside.

The days were precious, we were sheltered. We chased bubbles blown from the mighty well of careless Saturday afternoons. We stood high when we heard the call, took heed and swung from branches low enough. Those birds stood waiting, in cold, in rain, in the burning sun and we watched. Followed as they flew from fence to tree to roof. Ran like there was no tomorrow, fell onto the velvet grass of forgiveness, wrapped in the gentle softness of the growing spring lawn. Our faces glowed from the white snow, from the golden sun, from the beading sweat of excitement. Those adventures would never repeat, we hardly remember. The pebbles that scarped your knee, the stool that was stolen from under you, the flowers that bloomed perfect and were picked to kill the fruits growing. Our little hearts beat better with each passing day, beat stronger, grew to once withstand the heavy strike that would befall. All too soon it would befall.

The course cannot be changed or altered. The very dubious path that we took together was not one that could have been changed. What fate had handed, we had to follow. Blindfolded we embarked, never suspecting in the careless summer sun that we were headed for the deadening darkness. That we were headed to a sudden plunge, an inexplicable blow which would wound all our hearts. It seemed warm and never ending. The adventures did not have a reason to cease. New ones came every moment, there was a whole world to discover. We ran faster, we rushed through each day quicker, we listened when instructed. We obeyed words we did not understand, we never questioned the sublime authority. We never questioned you. We should have. We should have suspected that in all our obedience you would turn against us. From behind, from the dark alleys that we could not see you would come and sit us down. You would come and crush our world, force us to survive in a war of words, leave us alone in a storm stirring up houses. Nothing stayed intact; your whimsy destroyed everything we had known. Destroyed two hearts that knew not how to weather your storm.

I have time on my side. We all do. I taught myself to forgive, to embrace my wounded heart. To let it bleed when the tears are not deep enough. I taught myself to accept and reject. Some parts have been chipped, some parts cracked under the pressure. You stole parts that were never for the taking. I gave away bits that grew back. I live in an ocean of sadness and the pain in a stranger’s voice soothes me. Just like your tears hushed your bulging anger, just like the clarity of your path calmed your words. I am comforted by silence, mostly become whole in sadness. I no longer want to escape but cannot find words to thank you. My heart was too young, you did not take enough care of it. My heart was young but you stabbed it anyway, cried to see it bleed, covered it softy so it would heal in the balsamic autumn sun. It never really did.  

The path we must take cannot be changed. The obstacles that are set must be met, must be overcome. Your choices are yours, I have learnt to make my own. The hearts you were responsible for have turned out to be imperfect, turned out to be victims of your rampage. We learnt to float, to take all our pain and drift towards a kinder horizon. Had you known different, better, had you been able to see clearer and to act wiser, you would have taken better care of the hearts entrusted in your care. We have survived, but just barely. Our hearts sometimes still bleed from an open wound. In an instance everything had changed. In an instance our worlds had changed. In just an instant we fell to the ground. 

 

Oh father can’t you see the pieces that have fallen on the ground.

You and mom decided nothing could be saved inside this house.