Never Let Me Go

If these Heavens can hear the words uttered by the many mouths that attempt in each second to save themselves, then let these words ring loud. Let them tear apart the velvet drapes that cover the sacred ornaments. Let them ripple far and wide, let them hurt the ears of those who never bend to change. Let these words sail aimless, let them reach dry land unexpected. Let strangers kneel and bow to their beauty. If at night there is still a deity alert, let the words woo its wandering soul and hone it so: to forever hold on. To endure. Through hardship and trials, through unthinkable obstacles and spirit crippling injustices. Through dense forests and even murkier waters. To survive. Through betrayal and back stabbing, through disappointment and a mountain of sin. To stay amongst the living, to strive for a better soul. I have long ceased to shine. You, you are a shadow lurking in the back of my mind. 

This is how it has been, for far too long. The vastness of my soul lying empty, wasted away, eaten by rust that attacks like the most ferocious enemy. There is no threat of overflow, no danger of a sudden rise and counter attack. You hold me captive, but it is solitary confinement. I cannot escape and slowly wither away. Each attempt at freedom kills the courage inside. Each cry for freedom is lost in the cacophony of tears and insults slurred at your outline. For nobody can see. You hide away. Like a master puppeteer you hold all the strings and move me against my will. I wish to not go forward, but you make me smile. This is me, this rotting soul, this darkness that drenches my every living minute. This is me, unable to smile, always on the lookout for a faint slimmer of hope. Forever disappointed, retreated from the blinding lights of your ways, of your illusion of hope. 

Still, I plead, turn to Love and deliver this soliloquy. I am neither worthy, nor unworthy of your precious gifts. I have never deserved these blessings. Never have I committed a sin so great to merit a punishment so severe. I can never hope for the grace of Love, I can never fathom why it would go amiss, elude my life. Hold off on these thoughts, hush them, keep them unformed then tie a rope around their necks. They must never see the light of day. But in the moment of desperation, in the approaching sense of deliverance I mime these words: never let me go. With each breath gaining strength. With each stroke of the old palm the embers inside forever suppressed start to glow. The air fans their insatiable desire to burn. That they do. I turn my head towards the sun and whisper: I am a sinner. The words are carried on the back of the winds, they are coy but playful. They may not land them where intended. This is a risk I must take. In the middle of this land where no flowers grow, where the skies are forever grey, where the cries are muffled by the sheer muscle power of the ones keeping guard. I will not be beaten down for much longer. I will not allow for my words to stay silent. With an enviable breath I take to form my mouth to say: never let me go. And it is heard. No longer a whisper, no longer just outlines, no longer inanimate or a dream. The words are heard, their power unstoppable. I have drawn attention to myself, these shackles are being lifted and I can finally see. The words call on the arms of the ocean to cover me. Ever louder, ever stronger, ever clearer I seem to be unable to stop them. Love, I seem to be unable to stop these words that are intended for your ears. Never let me go. How confidently they march and I let them. Never let me go, never let me go.  

See how long I have waited? See how my whole has shrivelled? See how I am barely recognisable? I am finally where I want to be, close to you, almost able to touch, to see. You will forgive me, I hope. These past wrong doings will be wiped clean and I will no longer fear my own voice. Hold me now. Hold me Love and let me hear the words from your mouth to my ears: I will never let you go, never let you go.