A Better Letter

I feel tired, worn out, exhausted. The days start with an unending desire for the end. When the end nears the dread appears. In a few hours the cycle will start anew. The weight of each day pulls me down. Unable to stand tall, unable to smile with my whole heart. I am weary, uninspired. I am tired beyond belief. The strength to keep up, to lead the way, to be a forceful direction has left unnoticed. Slipped, escaped and now there’s a hollow body. I am nailed to the ground, any movement comes with the painful recognition that all attempts are in vain. The days are fast, but dead slow. I wish for things that come and go, never steady enough to take root or make a firm impression.

The wind blows from every which direction, unmerciful, cold. The skin on my back gives little shelter, the air penetrates leaves me shaking to my bones. Come wind, take all of me, take the best that I can offer and blow hard to make it disappear. I stay quiet when I hear the wind approaching. I await in earnest, almost excited. I know my role, I know my place. Never do I forget to add humility, to keep the outlook I have been blessed with. To treasure the way I humbly let the wind blow through me. The way I let the weight of each day push me down. The way I hold no opposition, embrace the unstoppable intent of change. I am the same person I was when you met me. I hope you can still recall. I am the same person the moon knocked down, the clouds saved, the sound of your thoughts guided home. If time passes and the wrinkles multiply on my tired face, I will still let the wind play me. I will let dishonesty burn me. I will let the fights run their courses and I will stay true to what I believe to be the essence, the meaning, the reasons that keep me living. I will be weak, but will stand to salute every honest man. I will bow to every selfless deed. I will stroke the shiny hair of each woman willing to offer a sacrifice.

The choices you make leave me sad. Disappointed and ashamed, I turn away so as not to see your gleaming face. You have done nobody proud. With your selfish ways, you have caused more hurt. They all look to you for advice and you have made them feel like you are king of this cardboard cut-out castle. I can follow no more. This path you have to take alone. I am left behind. Left in the old ways you so quickly forgot. Or just care not to remember. Alone I am more comfortable, in my own pace, in my own time. You do not need to pull me up to your speed. I have no care for it, for you. Look back once, just once and then you will never again look at me the way you used to. I will be fine, I have learnt to live with the disappointment. Friends who are graceful, righteous, humble and constant keep me in line, keep my soul alive. I used to have tears but cannot cry them for you any more.

I have worked myself to the bone. I have given my all but these times require more. The wind blew us, I stood still and let it go through me. You opted to shift towards the direction that seemed needed the least resistance. I accept, even understand at times. I cannot follow. If never again am I able to rest my eyes at night, I would still choose the path that is mine. If never again do I get a day’s rest, I would still feel I am doing the right thing. There is a mighty power that will hold us, question us, remind us of all our mistakes. I want my mistakes to be grand and bold, unapologetic and honest. I want to see them, I want to know them, I want to call each by their name. I want to know I have made mistakes and I want to be reminded. I need the mirror to stay true. Only then do I have a chance at making a lasting impression on the people I have been blessed enough to have met along my way. Including you.