All choked up, empty to go

There are days of importance. There are days which have to bear the unbelievable weight of expectation. These days either bend or break, become steel enforced concrete or crumble at the pressure exerted. Some days disappear and some stay forever engraved. Monumental twenty four hours.

We met our day in the evening sun. One careless spring evening, our day was about to bend or break. We had the choice to make it slip or stay. As cautiously as we could, we took the fragile end of an exhausting day and held it close to our hearts and hands. To examine, to see clearly after the many many days that have stood between the last time and now. None of the other days ever recognised either you or me. But here it was, this shy but hopeful little day, almost at its last breath, waiting to see if we would bend or break. If we remembered, or forgot in all entirety, how to love. To love each other.

It was supposed to feel familiar, but never really did. Not for the time we had to try and find a path back to where we once stood together. I had lost sight completely of the road, of you. Dear stranger I am crushed to pieces if I have disappointed you. Dear stranger you’ve crushed me completely by being a disappointment. I could only retreat, confide in the new day that was nearing, whispering as I lay silent words of despair and sorrow. Why has time done this to you and me?

I longed for our time together to be perfect. I turned to every god I know, every sorcerer, every wizardry, and every trick in the big book of magic to make the days bear the force with which I supposed you and I would collide again. I prepared my heart for the biggest bang in theory. The poor little heart was going to be able to take even the loss of its home, loss of everything it knew to be true. I planned for our fateful collision to be exceptional and tenderly humble. Perfect in all of its imperfections. I was met with the harshness of a cool heart. I was met with the truth of time. I was met with a memory that could not be brought back to life. We both tried. Tried to massage its heart at first, then murmured sweet words into its longing ears, held it gently in our arms, even made new memories to save the old one, but lifeless all that we had remained.

I left running. I escaped and freed you. Now nothing holds us together. The memories of love have been tarnished. I know not how to make it better, turn it back to how it was. I left crying, aching from the void that I found where once our hearts were. We were bound endlessly in my mind but with your face and ways I found two hearts and two souls dancing to different beats and singing different tunes. The part of me you had has been lost. The part of you I held has been given back. You were unfamiliar, you were far.

Now we have an end. Now I can say I loved you only then.