waiting for a bearded fella

There are a lot of customs a girl my background and culture must follow in life. The likes of Christmas, Easter, name days spring to mind. But I’ve been given freedom when it comes to celebrating my birthday. Well, almost, provided it’s with family. The where is my choice. The how is my choice. So I’ve come up with a plan a few years back, almost six as I recall, to make a point of writing something for my friends who are close and who are not so much, to take with them on this day that marks my entrance into the world. Mine and many others’, but allow me to take this moment to fulfil every narcissistic desire in my body and gracefully succumb. And please, never think for a moment that I try to fan a wholly unfounded notion of accumulated wisdom over 26 years because even suggesting that would be silly. I am no preacher or knower of truth. I am no giver or selfless saint. I am no example to follow. I just have words. I cleverly borrow words to fit the occasion.

I won’t begin a tale now, I’ve no time or ideas, but I will try to make sense in these coming lines as best I can. What I know about myself and the world would come as no surprise to any of you my learned friends. The realities that I have discovered over the years pale in comparison to the ones I’m yet to find out. You’ve seen them I’m sure. You’ve lived through them I know. But when be hopeful, if not now? When have the courage, if not now? When have the wisdom and the bravery to admit to the broken parts, if not now?

A lot of things are hazy for me right now. I’m half way into finding out what it’s like to have a piece of this world, to claim as my own. What it’s like to work hard for something concrete. To use my experiences not to get fooled by bureaucracy. And it’s hard. Has been hard and will continue to be hard. But I meet these every day challenges with enthusiasm and excitement. I’m slowly also finding out how different I am now to how I was when the people who brought out the best in me were around. But this never scares me, just cautions for a wiser choice next time. I know what it’s like to miss time. I’ve personified time so many occasions in writings that now I think it’s just a good-turned-evil friend of mine from a while back. Someone I used to know well.

But before I trip and fall into the pitfalls of life’s winding and sometimes dark road, I know what I still want. These things drive me to do better and try harder. To think about change, even if implementing them would be somewhat difficult. I know that there are things I can never have and feelings that I will never know. There are places I will visit and there are people I’m yet to meet. I will make friends and I will lose some in the years to come. I will build and destruct with ease. I will forever wish for more love… but time’s tricky with that.

Before I turn a year older, I will just sit here and wait for a bearded fella. He with a heartache and a song to turn even the most desperate of days into a flood of joyful tears. I know that him I will love and I already love the way he gently loves.