What’s One More Time?

And when I say these things, I show my truest self for you. For you to be able to see. Almost like an open letter, this is for you, Friend. Parts of you will be hiding in these lines somewhere, hiding from the blinding lights that illuminate my soul. I will try to protect you, but you must know just how much it hurts me to not see you.

For what’s a girl if she’s all alone? There’s only a handful of guarding angels around me and I managed to lose sight of you. Giving you up to the world, for the greater good, is something I can learn to live with, but it’s almost like a struggle each day. You hold all four corners of the world safe from the ludicrous and evil haunting. At one point you knew me as the girl who lived so close, in your heart, in your street. Now you’re stationed so far from me it’s sometimes hard to understand. What happens when I need you so close I can’t stop the tears from arriving? Who will know what hurts for me when I hardly speak a word? There’s so much want in my heart, longing to be just a little nearer. Distance is not the culprit, I cannot make him sole bearer of blame, but I feel him robbing friends from me and leaving me with sad lonely nights like these.

When I picture a day, long from today, ahead in time, somewhere on the horizon, I see you there with me. Perfect in all ways, dancing and laughing madly about the silly memories that tie an invisible rope between you and me. Tangled we’d lie in the tall grass, sharing the paths that have lead us to each other. Reaching out, I might be even able to touch the moment before it dissolves under the unknown sky. Just thinking of that day, the burden lessens and I breathe a little easier, waiting with all my might to exhale.

I wish I could say that fear never paralyses me, but with most certainty I can demonstrate it is the one single thing that does. Fear of never being good enough. Fear of never doing enough. Fear of losing, leaving, faking, lying, dying. Fear of meeting you and then having to spend decades or lifetimes without you. Fear of having to find friends to replace you. Because you are holding a part of me that I have entrusted in your care. I only asked – keep that part of you sincere, innocent, raw, and ready to dream. I will come back for me. I will be back for you. When the fear of not having a boy to love, not knowing whose name to call, when loneliness like a black shadow overcomes, you will be the one I run to. Then you will have to turn in the self you’ve been keeping safe for me. Will you be able to do that for me?

I miss you: all of you. You’re my army of strength, my tower of virtue, my only proof that some of my choices have led me to find magic. Day after day I am reminded that love is never enough, but with you in my life I even dare to believe that love can take a backseat if the ropes that connect us are securely tied at all our ends.

Just promise me you’ll never stray too far from me. Tell me that the rain you see will fall on my head one day. Tell me it’s not too long before I see you. Tell me again, what’s one more time?