An Amalgam of Ideas

Beautiful. Whether it is words accompanied by melody, or pictures brought alive by light or simply the green in the summer plants’ leaves, they all remind me that there’s maybe more. More than just the mundane, the expected and the required. Mostly I feel that the generous and undeserving blessings I’ve had were more than I could handle. In the steady heat of summer, I think about the future a lot. I think about love a lot. I try to think about where I could fit in. And then relief.

I never feel one ounce less lost with each day passing by. Instead of going forward, I’m hovering. I can’t tell whether I’m happy or not. The stagnant nature of my present scares me. But more than scares me it frightens the life out of me. I take trips to far away places hoping that seeing something new will shake me. Hoping that the experience will form something new in me. Constantly I dread the possibility that all of me is in vain.

All my life, change came about as a result of geographical relocation. This is all I know of change. I think, I still think, that the only way to sway myself from the present towards something better is if I change location. But the truth may be hiding somewhere else. Nobody has ever taught me that you can change your situation without placing it thousands of miles away. But I have no proof. Every time I moved, things changed and so I want to move so my things can again change.

I have all I need. I have all I want. Everything in my life is easy. I feel unfulfilled. I feel unloved. I feel lonely. Friends fire words at me that hurt more than any Israeli bullet heading towards my shelter could. Love, that I don’t need, evades me and leaves all my heartstrings broken. So sitting on top of my all, everything that I could want and need, I weep. I have unwhipsered desires, secrets to even myself, yearnings that words can never enslave and chain to the page. I will not allow the light to mock my hidden parts, I will not allow another soul to torture what is sacred inside.

When it’s gloomy, it gets really dark. I miss you, whoever you are.