Jewel and Me

Then there are the dreams that stay sweet because they can never possibly be fulfilled. Dreams that were to become reality would hurt more than aid. Pretence is left for the weak hearted to fantasise. Projecting the unreal outwards leaves the inside relatively healthy. I am humbled beyond belief and shaken like an autumn leaf just at the thought, the sound, the sight of her. Jewel and Me: a whole chapter in my life that I will attempt to unveil.

It started when I was 17, in Prague. Prague that is forever tangled with love and love can only ever be Dan and Dan means failure and failure means self-doubt and self-doubt leaves me yearning for perfection. Jewel entered. Jewel’s second record “Spirit” was my first gate to self-discovery. The first Jewel record I owned. I listened to that record in awe and still do. She spoke of things that I realised were important not to her or me individually but to all of us: citizens of the world. The self experiences the pains of the world on a much smaller scale but that experience can be drawn on heavily when attempting to understand the evils and joys of living. So she, with her guitar and her fragile but magnificently powerful voice, sang about the deepness of despair, the hopes caught with one hand, the eyes filled with hatred, the brokenness of rejecting each other. And I was captured and a journey started that I take with my all time favourite singer: Jewel Kilcher.

But Jewel is more to me than just beautiful music, than just informed ideas, than just creative genius, than just an intelligent woman using the only podium she has to speak her mind. Over the years, I’ve built my own world around her. I’ve created a wholly distorted but perfectly comfortable padded saddle around her. But somewhere along the way my admiration turned into my own struggle at coming to terms with my life, my destiny, my desires. Jewel is just an aid, a tool, an image that I hang ideas of greatness on so that I can follow someone. So that I can follow someone mortal and present. I love the music, I love the ideas, I will forever love all that she does, but it’s not the woman in her that I love. It’s the music in her that I love. It’s the ideas in her that I love. It’s the beauty of sincerity that I love. It’s the guide that she’s been for me that I love. With that, I think even she can live.

Jewel’s to some extent a role model. Not because I want to be a guitar strumming, crowd working, entertainer. But because if I ever get to walk a path that is a dream, I hope that I would be able to handle it as smart as and as honest as she does. It’s not what she wears that’s important. It’s not how fancy a cord or tuning she twists her songs into. It’s how she uses the words to communicate her feelings. It’s the way she will bear all in an interview without you even knowing if she’s said anything at all. It’s the way she so quickly sees the connections between things and it’s the way she deals with the world as best she can, with all that wisdom and intelligence almost silently creeping in. Without a word, she has you off guard. If I ever will have the strength and determination to pursue a dream, I only wish that I could handle it as gracefully as Jewel’s been handling hers. Dreams are sacred and terribly fragile. Some think they are best left in a safe place without them ever seeing the light of day. I shamefully adhere to this philosophy and only allow myself to project a look of longing to the outside when I can pin it on something else, like Jewel. If Jewel puts out a new record, I have and excuse. I can come out and say all the things I want. It’s a childish game, but the safest I know. Jewel’s more to me than just the singer of lustrous melodies, of profound words, of eternal ideas. She is a dream I only ever dare to dream when it gets dark and no one can laugh.

It’s my one weakness. It’s one of my many faults. I elevate another human being onto a pedestal of greatness and worship her as a deity. If only Jesus was a pop star. But in fact it’s only truly an excuse for me to make everyone look at me for a second. Jewel will always mean a lot to me because she embodies everything I secretly want. Every dream I secretly dream, every future I secretly plan, and every answer I secretly circle around in my head.

Two weeks ago her sixth album was released under the name “goodbye alice in wonderland”. Three years ago her previous album “0304” was released. My dear friend Robert and I were sitting on the beach in Portugal days after I had received that album. I went on and on about all the above to Robert. He looked at me and said, “I wish she knew what she means to you”.

I wish she knew what she means to me. Jewel and Me. My eternal dream.

http://www.jeweljk.com/